Hilarious one liners

Here’s a list of hilarious one liners to brighten your weekend:

1. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me.
2. Why don’t oysters donate to charity? Because they’re shellfish.
3. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.
4. Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
5. Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta-way.
6. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
7. Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
8. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the toilet? Because the “P” is silent.
9. Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.
10. Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.
11. Why are graveyards often overcrowded? People are dying to get in.
12. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
13. Why did the man name his dogs “Rolex” and “Casio”? Because they were watch dogs.
14. I used to play piano by ear. But now I use my hands – it’s way easier.
15. What do you call a arrogant criminal going down the stairs? A condescending con descending.
16. How does Moses make his coffee? Hebrews it.
17. I started a band called “999 Megabytes.” We still haven’t gotten a gig.
18. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
19. I sold my vacuum the other day. All it was doing is collecting dust.
20. What did the buffalo say when his son left? Bison!
21. My new thesaurus is terrible. Not only that, but it’s also terrible.
22. Why did the photo go to jail? It was framed.
23. Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
24. Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. “Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type”.
25. What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? I’ll never part with it!
26. Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry.
27. Why do the French like to eat snails so much? They can’t stand fast food.
28. Everybody knows 40 is the new 30, right? But the police officer giving me a speeding ticket couldn’t be persuaded.
29. Why couldn’t Mrs. Dracula sleep properly? Because of Dracula’s coffin.
30. Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes for the mafia. I was involved in very organised crime.
31. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
32. This bloke said to me: “I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar”. I said: “Is that a fret?”
33. Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note. It said “Parking Fine”
34. It’s difficult to say what my wife does. She sells seashells on the seashore.
35. I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this more interesting”. So we stopped playing chess.
36. What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
37. My grandfather invented the cold air balloon. It never really took off.
38. I’m addicted to brake fluid… but I can stop whenever I want.
39. What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey!
40. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
41. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”
42. I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was miss a day!
43. I’m feeling pretty proud of myself. The puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I finished it in 6 months!
44. I have all the money I’ll ever need… if I die by 3:00 p.m. this afternoon.
45. I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
46. I just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap!
47. Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
48. I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
49. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
50. Worrying works! More than 90 percent of the things I worry about never happen.
51. I don’t have a girlfriend. But I know a girl that would get really mad if she heard me say that.
52. I was told never to date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.
53. You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
54. Letting go of a loved one can be hard. But sometimes, it’s the only way to survive a rock-climbing catastrophe.
55. A positive attitude may not solve all your problems. But it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
56. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
57. Do you think Noah included termites on the ark?
58. I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
59. I threw a ball for my dog. Sure, it was a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.
60. Why do people believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
61. Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.
62. What do you call a factory that sells mediocre products? A satisfactory.
63. What has four wheels and flies. A garbage truck.
64. How do you know if someone is vegan? They will tell you within 2 minutes of meeting them.
65. Why do vegans make great best friends? They never have any beef with you.